dear wordpress:
i can’t stand it anymore. he loves me, he comes over, and yet, he’s taking me for granted??? yeah…how does that work??!?! it sounds weird, and don’t take MY word for it; i might be crazy…but i feel underappreciated. at first i didn’t at all. i felt good and loved and wanted and i felt that i was in a good place where i actually belonged.
but then…little by little…week by week, i felt lonlier, i cried more, i waited more, i hoped more, and expected more until i got nothing at all. he disappoints me almost every day now. and the sad part is that i WANT to be used to it because i promised him and myself that i wouldn’t nag. so i won’t. i’ll sit and stop calling. if he wants me to stop being needy then that’s what he’ll get. i’ll stop calling, i’ll stop wanting to see him, i’ll stop hoping or expecting, i’ll stop making my life what i thought he wanted it to be. i’m being taken for granted, and i don’t know what to do!!! i feel so desperate…so sad…and so neglected.
he comes over and uses the computer. i’m there but he doesn’t turn around. i talk but meanwhile he’s trying to communicate with friends to see when they’re gonna hang out again. and by the time he has to go do something with his friends, go skate, or whatever…i didn’t really spend time with him.
he used to call, now i’m the one. he used to put things aside, now it’s like whatever. he used to comfort me and now if he sees i’m sad, he leaves me there. he leaves. he leaves when he knows i’ll cry harder if he does. he knows how lonely i always feel. i tell him over and over that i have no friends, and part of the reason is him…
i tell him that i wish he’d be here when he’s here. not just come to eat and use my computer and leave. not just have sex with me and then tell me that he wants to go skating with his friends.
i want him to tell me SINCERELY, once, that he’d WANTS to cancel on someone else rather than me, for once. we were supposed to go to the movies today. what happened? it wasn’t mentioned. okay, i accepted that. we were supposed to plan for tomorrow. oh, but wait…his friends needed him saturday too cause they just can’t have any fun without him. i guess we all need him…
but if i tell him this (because i’ve told him), i know what he’ll come back with. he’ll say he DOES choose me over them. he’ll say he DOES ask me if i want him to cancel. he’ll say he DOES spend time with me. and part of it is true. but listen, only part of it. here’s why.
he DOES choose me over them; if it’s an emergency. he DOES ask me if i want him to cancel on his friends; with a disappointed tone and a whining face. he DOES spend time with me; but most of the time he’s not even there. you see? he can get all of me, always. i’m too available. i love him too much??
that’s crazy.
but i guess i’m crazy too.
he’s gone now. he left. a long long time ago.
tonight i will not call him, i will sleep. tomorrow i won’t bother, i’ll go out like he does without wondering what he’s doing or if he has something to tell me or ask me, or without caring if he wants to hang out with me. sunday i’ll skip the movies or the shopping; i can find someone else. maybe my family, or maybe find friends so i won’t be so CLINGY and NEEDY. if that’s what he wants, that’s exactly what he’ll get. and then for the rest of the week i will be too busy to do anything but homework and babysit my cousin…that’s a handful already. but i’m sure he won’t mind.
he has things to do…
Even though you love him and promised not to nag, I don’t think he’s a good person. Even though he says he chooses you over them, it obviously isn’t true.
I tihnk you’re better off finding someone who’ll care for you more than he does.
You deserve it.