Six Flags Day and Afterparty LOL August 17, 2008

Just as I said, we went to Six Flags the day before yesterday, on Friday. It was me, Greg, Anthony, and Vicky (Anthony’s girlfriend). Then, Greg’s friend from France met us up there. He’s 24, (I barely found out) but he looks more like 21…and he’s suppperrr handsome and cute and GORGEOUS…except, of course, I have a boyfriend and I think I was more in love with his French accent than his stupid personality. He was the kind I don’t like. Those guys that aren’t serious about relationships. Not like I care. I was just trying to describe my time at Six Flags. Anyway, Greg and I got on every ride together and it was the most fun EVER!!!! It was sooo much fun! I wasn’t scared about getting on anything but Superman and in the end even THAT ride was awesome!! I wanted to get on again!! lol. SO yeah, that’s what happened….

Then it ended and yesterday Greg came over…it was nice. Except I think I got on his nerves a couple of times. I hate doing that, but he has to take things lightly with me. He should know I mess around a lot…anyway…yeah…I hope he has fun today. He BETTER enjoy today cause tomorrow is school registration!!! WE’RE GONNA BE SENIORS which means…we’re gonna GRADUATE and be out of that school I hate so much!!!! =] It better be awesome. In some way or ANOTHER. Hehehe…well yeah. We both barely found out registration was tomorrow. Which kinda sucks cause I don’t know how I’ll get there or come back, and I dont’ know what I’m wearing. My ID picture is gonna be taken tomorrow. =/ I hope this year gives my face a little mercy!! Hehehe…

That’s about it. I haven’t done much today. It’s been peaceful and even a little boring, but nice. I started praying again cause I’m trying to find my way back into what’s good for me and Greg. I’m trying to be the wiser one out of the two, lol. I just wish he would care about me and himself enough to embrace his own spirituality but I’ll go into that later cause right now I don’t think I have the energy to talk about it. A small headache is coming on to me.

Well, until next time!!! Have fun!!!!

Normal Day Such :D August 15, 2008

I haven’t written in what I call a long time, but I’m back again!! I haven’t mostly because nothing, I mean NOTHING, has been going on lately. After me and Greg talked things over, everything was okay and back to normal! Just as happy as it used to be.

Tomorrow I’m going to Six Flags with Greg, Anthony, (who btw I re-met at the library today, cool guy!!) and Anthony’s girlfriend, Vicky, who I’ve never met, but heard good things about. So hopefully I have a good time!! Greg and I are really excited about FINALLY going to an amusement park together. He’s been there before and so has Anthony, but not me or Vicky. Hopefully she’s as scared as I am, but I’m looking to have a great time. I’m getting on all the rides, lol…I don’t care if my heart is crying out to get back home, lol.

Yep, that’s about it…I’m done with EPHS!! (Home school program I was in for the summer). I was finished with my 20 credits yesterday and I am SOO excited!!! Like you have NOOO idea. I finally have time to do stuff like exercise and clean and stuff…well…have nothing else to talk about (yea i’m boring). Good night!!

Dear You August 8, 2008

Dear Greg,

I really want to kiss you and I really miss you and thank you for trying today. You made me happy and you solved the part of us talking. Now we have to work at things very hard to continue to happily make each other…happy. I love you, anddddd I can’t wait to learn how you will improve, hehe…thanks for listening today. I know you finally DID make an effort

The lights told me you’ve disappeared. August 7, 2008

I have this feeling…where I feel as if I’m stuck and locked in. I feel as if I can’t move, I’m stuck inside a closet and I can’t get out. That’s how I feel with you, Greg. I love you, but I want to go back. You changed, or I did, or it was just time. I don’t know who to blame and I don’t think I want to blame. It wouldn’t heal me at this point. Nothing does nothing at all…

Why have I lost the longing to be with you…? If I go back to your arms, they won’t have the same embrace. Maybe that was a question. Maybe you should answer that by coming back to me…

I feel humiliated. I say I won’t call or try; I punish myself for loving you enough to take initiative…yet I do it over and over. I call. I hope, and I expect. I even want you to talk to me again. I miss you but I don’t miss the reason why our love has run away from us. I think I’ve lost understanding of why this happened…

My loss might be greater than yours. That’s another reason why I feel embarrassed to admit how much I want you with me. It’s hard to admit to myself that you might not even want me back. You have lost a nagging, selfish and maybe even stupid girl by your side. I have lost a beautiful person with flaws that I can work through. The point of this was for you to make the effort to be with me, and all it has done is make me call you more and waste my time at every number I dial. The point is backfiring on me, and I feel so bad.

I want to be upset at you…but I know I’m upset at myself for not finding a good solution to this…

I’m not quitting…but the feeling overflows me, and I just want to break through. I feel married. Yet without the privileges of being married to someone you love.

I don’t get to see you or talk to you, and I don’t get your love…
All I get is the restricting policies that I have to follow…where I can’t seek help elsewhere…where I can’t look for someone else to be with…where I have to be stuck to someone, and I know it’s you….but you’re invisible. I can only feel your binding pressure against my feelings. What have you done to me…? What have I done to myself…??

If I’m such a great writer as they say, why can’t I create a new story for us? Why I can’t I delete all the things that have crushed us, and start with a clean page? I’m not a real writer, and I don’t control my own stories. I have failed as a lover to you, and I think my best friend went walking away…is he ever coming back? Does he feel the desire to hug this warmth that is me? Does this gentleman walk back, tracing his steps, knowing he has something to stay for?

Come to my window. Please! I cry and I cry and every tear spills any knowledge I have of myself. I forget who I am every time I think of you. Because the plan was to leave my feelings alone and not hurt them anymore. But this heart of mine is drained with feelings it can longer produce. I cried so much that I can’t anymore. I’ve loved so much that I stopped knowing how.

Lights lead me on, they lead me on to you…but as I get close the lights get dimmer and dimmer…until I realize that my hopes to ever find you have disappeared.

Little post, but really big feelings… August 5, 2008

Dear WordPress,

Rosa, a friend of mine that is finally getting close & opening up to me more, is my pen pal now!! Yes, we’re using the “snail mail”. We’re cute like that…hehehe…well, anyway, it’s a lot of fun even though I barely wrote the first letter, haha…

She’s going to be very important in my life, I can tell. So get used to her name. She’s sweet, she’s small (don’t tell her I said so!) and she’s sooo intelligent. I wish we were sisters. I’ve known her since 5th grade but we went to different middle schools. I saw her again in 9th grade and since then we’ve been keeping in touch. But never like now. Now it’s much more special. I made a new old friend, haha, if that makes any sense. Just what I wanted, right?? Right. ^_^

Talking about friends…my little boyfriend has me a little. Fed. Up. Yeah. I’m talking about the same one who I love sooo much. But, man!…He has to get a few things straight. Things I THOUGHT we had basically gotten straight. But, I guess basically doesn’t cut it. I don’t know, we’ll figure things out later. Right now I’m disappointed at him and hopeless that he’ll be what he always promises to be. I’m not trying to fix or change him, but there are things that have to be compromised. That’s the way all relationships work. We’re not all super compatible and puzzle piece perfect, lol. You know?? We just have to work at it….

I was very sad and upset today. I was crying, but hey, I can’t just give in that way. I’m TUFF now!! I have to be better at handling sadness.

I have to go to sleep now. Tomorrow I’m supposed to go see the optometrist and I think I might get in a lot of trouble for NOT going to renew my prescription for almost two years. Yeah, yeah…I know…bad, bad, bad!…but, my parents were procrastinating and YES, it IS up to them. Hmm…I wonder if Greg is going to want to be good tomorrow. Who knows.

Night, I’m tired!

brenda ….*sigh*

Maybe I don’t care. I wouldn’t know…. August 1, 2008

Dear Whoever Feels Like Reading This:

I finally learned how to keep myself busy enough to stop thinking about the things that harm me. The thoughts that harm me. Yesterday I realized that Greg was hiding that he was talking to Veronica, (a girl that liked him and I had asked him to stop talking to; they were friends). I made a sacrifice for him. I stopped talking to MY friend, the one he suspected liked ME, just to make him happy. I thought that making my boyfriend a priority would improve our relationship and I realized that I didn’t need another guy friend to make me happy if I had a boyfriend who was looking out for me. Right? I THINK I’m making sense…
Well, I find out that he’s talking to her and telling her that he misses her and who knows what else…And he knows it’s not fair. He knows he’s doing what he didn’t want ME to do. But I’m tired of bringing things up and getting nowhere. I’m tired of crying and even caring. I’m writing about it because it’s what’s happening in my life right now, but not necessarily because I’m crying over it. I decided this heart of mine shouldn’t be so wobbly anymore. It has to stand up for itself. Crying won’t get me anywhere, at least, not in this situation.
Yesterday, when I found out, that he had even gotten her NUMBER…(!) I took it calmly. I walked around calmly, I smiled, and basically, I let all the bad energy get out of me. When I was finally able to laugh about the whole thing, I started learning a piece of music on the piano. I was preoccupied and I really had better things to do than be watching over him. He knows very well what he’s doing. I told him I wouldn’t nag, and I made promises that I meant to keep. I promised him that I’d trust him, and I am. I’m trusting that he’s going to be a good boyfriend to me, as I’ve been a good girlfriend to him. I promised him that I wouldn’t get involved in his business anymore because what he does is his problem and I just wouldn’t get involved…those were my words exactly, and I meant to keep them. I’m not gonna get into this. BUT….hehehe….I AM gonna make this interesting for me. I’m not getting any benefits out of this situation, and I might as well have fun than be moping around over it, right?

Hehehe…I’ve made up my mind. I’ll make him feel GUILTY. It won’t be hard, cause he ALREADY is guilty. All I have to do is push things subtly and that will make him start either avoiding me, or avoiding her. Either way, it’ll be fun to watch. He’s not going to know that I know this.

Here’s how I’ve been doing it. I haven’t been obvious and I’ve only been saying things that are revelant to our subject of conversation. I say things like “I’m so happy I have someone like you…thank you…”; “I love you”. And since I just recently stopped talking to that friend just for him, I said, “You know, I’m so glad I stopped talking to Josh, you were right…I don’t feel like I’ve lost much. I actually feel BETTER since now I know I’m being fair with you. You know? I felt bad for talking to him before because you’d never do that to me…” It sounds obvious to you, but in our conversations it comes out very smoothly and naturally. I’m exaggerating it here so you can tell what’s going on. But basically that’s what I’ve been saying. I’ve been super sweet, smiling, cooking for him, spoiling him MORE than usual, and always saying how thankful I am that he’s so sweet to me. And you know how I know it’s working? He just says “Yeah…”, and then he changes the subject!! Hahaha, he NEVER changes the subject out of the blue. And sometimes he doesn’t even do that, he just stays quiet and it sounds as if he wants to tell me something but then changes his mind. My little wittle boyfriend…he thinks getting away with something…and in a way he is. But, you know? Who cares….I’m not gonna cry anymore and I’m not gonna sleep all day to “forget” like I used to do when I was sad. I’m not gonna bring it up until HE decides to tell me the truth. And if that never happens, I’ll somehow pretend to find out or make him spill the beans and tell him what I need to say. By that time it might be too late. I’m not upset; I’m only a little bit amused and a little bit angry. He could do better, and I could too, but I’m wondering what kind of guy he can be….I thought I knew him so well. Hahaha…I was wrong .

Well! Anyway! There goes the “main” part of my life even though it’s the least important. I just wanted to keep you guys updated! Other than that, I’ve been doing nothing. I just got my haircut which looks really cute and I’ve been trying to take my pictures for the modeling auditions. It can be going better. I’ve been doing more practicing of the piano and my homework is getting done faster! Only because I have nothing else to do -_-. Lol. My sister is gonna go get her ultrasound today and she REALLY wants to be pregnant, but….I don’t know….I don’t think she is. I think she wants it so much that her mind is making things up in her body. I know it might not make any sense to you right now, but, I know what I’m talking about. Still, I wish the best for her. I just hope she’s ready for anything. =]

Well, I have not much else to say anymore!! I ran out of words to express my nothingness of life.
P.S I haven’t eaten breakfast and it’s 8 minutes past noon. I woke up at 10 am. I am so lazy, lol!

Have a great day, everyone, and thank you….for…reading? if you did. Hehehe…

<3 breenddaaaa

Bad headache equals simple title. July 28, 2008

I can do more than whine, and today the day isn’t too bad. i look crappy and i’m tired, but i guess the rest is fixable and so is this. my head is pounding! it feels like whatever is hammering inside is banging on the walls of my head, trying to come out!!!!! i don’t know if it’s a migrane but i’m on the verge of tears! i ate already, so it isn’t the hunger headache, lol. me & my boyfriend had a disagreement today and since it’s minor, i’m not trying to add it to my headache. our problem will and can be fixed. but for now, i need to make this go away. it’s nothing so major that i need to be thinking about. in fact, i wish i could just make it go away. i wish i could agree to whatever he says so i can just check it out of my “need to fix” list. you get what i mean, jellybean? when my head hurts i become very quiet. i’m very quiet now but very speedy at typing this. it doesn’t hurt my head to be on the computer or to be typing or thinking about writing this. it does hurt my head to think about complicated things though. nothing today has been complicated enough to want to make me think about it despite this huge head ache. i took one advil tablet and i hope that does it. i always take 2 but this bottle says that it has more iboprofen or something like that and it says for adults to only take one. i guess it’s strong…so either way, i don’t want something bad happening to me. i’m only taking 1 and then in 6 hours i take another one.
i want to sleep but i don’t…but maybe i should? hmmm….i don’t know right now. i kinda wanna play maplestory because i’m already level 15 for the new magician i made! she’s so cute! if any of you play, i’m in scania and my name is WobblyHeart hehee…yes, i’m a big fan of games; online, system, anything…i’ll play whatever game as long as it’s not dirty =/
well, i’ve been writing e-mails to my sister & she’s an awesome respondant! (is that what it’s called when you reply in good e-mails??) well anyway…i love when she replies and i feel as if it’s our secret way of communicating because she doesn’t come over as often & i’ve never really talked to her on the phone that much; its not routine, at least. i love her. she’s cool. !!
anyway, she’s trying to get pregnant & she might be but she doesn’t know. she’s been trying for a LONG time now i hope nothing’s wrong!!
other than that, things have been OK but only OK…my headache is so bad that i don’t even feel like talking about it. i’m drinking water. i think that’s supposed to help because my handy dandy mom just walked in and gave me water, lol! she’s so funny! i hope i get hungry soon cause my aunt brought us chicken to eat.
btw, greg’s family from canada is coming on thursday which means they’re gonna go out to six flags, and knotts, and all these places…i hope they have fun! i wish i could go but i don’t have money! AND, i would feel weird. AND…i don’t wanna get sun burnt. but i think i did today. my face is permanently red.

my headache is moving on with itself…i think little by little it is deciding to stop torturing me because it’s kind of going away YAY!!

now i can say what happened with greg. long story made short: i thought september would be a great time to tell my parents that i’m with him; september 22nd is my birthday and it’s also our anniversary, sooo, i told him it’d be good to tell my parents because i’d be 17. but, he said he was scared, he didn’t want to. i told him that he would have time to get over it & i told him that i was scared too but it didn’t mean i’d put it off forever. he still didn’t want to. i took it the wrong way (or maybe the RIGHT way) and thought he didn’t really want to tell anyone we were together. so i got annoyed. and he was annoyed cause i didn’t “understand”. well, to tell you the truth, i DON’T understand. if he told me he wanted to tell his family (which can’t be done cause he already did), and he wanted me to just stand by and smile and stuff, then i’d do it with pleasure. i would be GLAD to. even if i was nervous. EVEN if i was scared. and my parents LIKE him. his family doesn’t like me. and i’d STILL be willing! so there…that proves it. i’m obviously more determined to make us official than him and that frustrates me.

i wish he’d finally own up to us being together. =/ argghhh but i don’t wanna argue about it. not even tonight. when he calls i want to discuss it but not argue over it. i don’t want to lose the respect i have for him and i don’t want to lose his respect. so either way i have to be nice and gentle. unlike i was today. but hey, can you blame me? it was hot and i was tired of walking. there. if he makes excuses, then so will i. but only for now because tonight we’ll go over this as a good, SMART couple who talks things through, not yells them through.
ok, bye
p.s my headache came back and now i hate my head for the rest of my life, i wanna blow it up!!!!!

It’s because he has things to do. July 25, 2008

dear wordpress:

i can’t stand it anymore. he loves me, he comes over, and yet, he’s taking me for granted??? yeah…how does that work??!?! it sounds weird, and don’t take MY word for it; i might be crazy…but i feel underappreciated. at first i didn’t at all. i felt good and loved and wanted and i felt that i was in a good place where i actually belonged.
but then…little by little…week by week, i felt lonlier, i cried more, i waited more, i hoped more, and expected more until i got nothing at all. he disappoints me almost every day now. and the sad part is that i WANT to be used to it because i promised him and myself that i wouldn’t nag. so i won’t. i’ll sit and stop calling. if he wants me to stop being needy then that’s what he’ll get. i’ll stop calling, i’ll stop wanting to see him, i’ll stop hoping or expecting, i’ll stop making my life what i thought he wanted it to be. i’m being taken for granted, and i don’t know what to do!!! i feel so desperate…so sad…and so neglected.
he comes over and uses the computer. i’m there but he doesn’t turn around. i talk but meanwhile he’s trying to communicate with friends to see when they’re gonna hang out again. and by the time he has to go do something with his friends, go skate, or whatever…i didn’t really spend time with him.
he used to call, now i’m the one. he used to put things aside, now it’s like whatever. he used to comfort me and now if he sees i’m sad, he leaves me there. he leaves. he leaves when he knows i’ll cry harder if he does. he knows how lonely i always feel. i tell him over and over that i have no friends, and part of the reason is him…
i tell him that i wish he’d be here when he’s here. not just come to eat and use my computer and leave. not just have sex with me and then tell me that he wants to go skating with his friends.

i want him to tell me SINCERELY, once, that he’d WANTS to cancel on someone else rather than me, for once. we were supposed to go to the movies today. what happened? it wasn’t mentioned. okay, i accepted that. we were supposed to plan for tomorrow. oh, but wait…his friends needed him saturday too cause they just can’t have any fun without him. i guess we all need him…

but if i tell him this (because i’ve told him), i know what he’ll come back with. he’ll say he DOES choose me over them. he’ll say he DOES ask me if i want him to cancel. he’ll say he DOES spend time with me. and part of it is true. but listen, only part of it. here’s why.

he DOES choose me over them; if it’s an emergency. he DOES ask me if i want him to cancel on his friends; with a disappointed tone and a whining face. he DOES spend time with me; but most of the time he’s not even there. you see? he can get all of me, always. i’m too available. i love him too much??
that’s crazy.

but i guess i’m crazy too.

he’s gone now. he left. a long long time ago.

tonight i will not call him, i will sleep. tomorrow i won’t bother, i’ll go out like he does without wondering what he’s doing or if he has something to tell me or ask me, or without caring if he wants to hang out with me. sunday i’ll skip the movies or the shopping; i can find someone else. maybe my family, or maybe find friends so i won’t be so CLINGY and NEEDY. if that’s what he wants, that’s exactly what he’ll get. and then for the rest of the week i will be too busy to do anything but homework and babysit my cousin…that’s a handful already. but i’m sure he won’t mind.

he has things to do…

What the heck am I doing? July 20, 2008

A little something I doodled :D

dear wordpress,

today i did nothing. i did a bit of homework but nothing outside of the ordinary. with the $6 that my mom gave me, i just bought an popsicle and some chips. but of course there was money left over. greg went to san diego and, well, i hope that was fun…i do wish i could’ve actually talked to him today, though. it seems like lately i haven’t been even though i have. anyway, if you’re reading this, get comfy because there’s something i’m trying to decipher in myself. but i’m sure no one is reading my stuff. it’s too long and girly, probably, and maybe even too personal…i think i’m the only one who literally talks about her life. haha, funny, funny…well, let’s get to the point, mateys!

today greg was gone right? he was out of my sight and out of my scent and out of my hearing distance; everything except, out of my head. but today that he was gone the whole day, and, that i had no one to really talk to, i felt lonely. lonliness is that feeling that has been going over me a thousand times a day for the past few months. i explained it all in my last blog. how i feel like everyone’s here but there’s no one to talk to…how i miss him…and all that. right? right.

there’s this little problem with me that can turn big if i don’t learn how to control it. everytime it gets around to a time where i can’t call him, or a day when i haven’t seen or heard him, and i time when i get a little bitty lonely, i turn to other people. now, keep this in mind. i only know, by memory, the number of 3 people in total. greg: duh, i have no choice. ex-best friend: i kind of have no choice because i had been manually dialing that number for about 4 years. josh: i had no cell phone when he gave me his phone number (therefore i had to dial it manually, it was easy to learn, and, i called him quite often).

josh: def.; a boy i met in 9th grade, re-met in 10th grade, and started to talk to outside-of-school after 11th grade. he and i used to be friends, but no longer can be, because greg and i suspect (through certain actions he has delivered), that he has some kind of interest for me. if it’s purely sexual, i’m not sure. but he’s quite deceiving, that’s for sure.

that’s josh for you. in simple and quick (compared to how long i take to explain things) words. the problem is, when i get lonely, who can i call? greg; no, his mom takes the cell phone and he goes to sleep earlier than me, now, i think. ex-bestfriend; can you say…never again? josh; hmm…

you see what i mean? somehow, even though part of me hates josh for disrespecting greg in some way and for thinking he could somehow smear between our relationship, i want to call him. not because his conversation is exciting or intriguing or wonderful and charming. no. not because we talk about life and our philosophies…no. calling him is tempting because he’s the only number i CAN call. if greg was available, i would’ve forgotten josh’s number by now. greg is and always will be #1 to me. and i know he suggested not to talk to josh anymore, i know that…and that’s why i feel so bad. i know i’m not doing anything wrong by calling him but, at the same time, i know it’s not the best idea.
greg keeps asking me and wondering and doubting if i want to keep his friendship. and honestly, although people think i’m showing the opposite with my actions, i don’t. his friendship is not very good if he’s trying to find a way to be with me, right?

but also, think of this…i have NO friends. i have greg. and i have the people that i talk to ONLINE cause i have no life. but friendds who i call and hang out with regularly…NONE. only greg. i’m not complaining. greg is enough. but he’s not always here. so tonight, when i was bored to death i called josh. good thing he didn’t answer. i’m glad he didn’t and i’m so stupid for calling. and the worst part is that i called more than once. it was like a good 5 times. i don’t understand me.
i told myself: i’ll fight for greg, i’ll do whatever it takes to keep this guy because he’s a special kid, and look at me! i can’t even let go of something for him. something that’s not even real. but i will. i don’t need to call josh. it’s the desperation of wanting greg here, cuddled, talking, or maybe not even here…maybe just on the phone. i’m not trying to replace him. i’m only hoping there is something who i can talk about him with. you see? he’s always on my mind…i’m demented. i really am. and it’s no laughing matter.

well anyway. greg and i are almost gonna be 2 years. october is just around the corner. which means my birthday is too because it’s in september. well. that’s what i had to say. basically, i hate running crazy to other people when i don’t have the guy i really want. i hate being needy when i really don’t need anyone. i should just wait for greg and forget i ever called josh. i’m over here complaining that he’s throwing hints at me, when it’s me who’s calling and acting like i want it. such a retard, i am. i gotta stop it and i will stop it!
greg, here i come! you better call tomorrow!
wordpress. i hope some of you can relate to me. haha, i don’t usually talk this way but it’s quoted so i guess it’s okay. michael scott from The Office once said “it’s not the horniness, it’s the lonliness”. omg. if greg read this he wouldn’t believe it was me. but again, it was quoted. i just thought it was funny & it sure applies to me in this case!
night, night, wordpress.
make me not so lonely!

Don’t forget me? July 18, 2008

dear greg,

i wish you were here right now. you don’t know how lonely i feel. i feel so bad and nostalgic that i don’t want to go anywhere. i don’t want to go watch the new movie, i don’t care how much i was waiting for it. i don’t want to go with my dad or my brother or sister, or anyone. i want to stay here and write. and if it were possible, talk to you…

i’m sorry i’ve gotten so attatched to you. i know it isn’t smart to do that. but, can i really help it? you’re going to a different school next semester and i’m trying to just stick with you so that nothing dies between us. our time isn’t going to be as easy to prioritize anymore. our activities will be twice as important than they are this summer, and we’re just gonna have to get used to not seeing each other every day, like we have been almost since this summer started. i guess this is my practice.

it’s weird, and it hurts, but i have to write about it so my throat can stop hurting and my eyes can stop tears from falling. i have something to say. when i miss you and want you here and feel lonely…and when i know you’re skating with your friends…i don’t really think that you might be missing me too. you know? and it’s not a reproach or anything…it’s just a thought and a comment. i guess sometimes we might all feel this way.

although sometimes i do wish you’d tell me that you’re not coming or give me a heads up. i love you and i want you and sometimes, due to the situation with my family, i really need you here. i am surrounded by people that aren’t you, and i wonder why i can’t talk to them the way i talk to you. i guess only you really listen. your presence is an illumination to me. i know i shouldn’t miss you so much, but it’s hard not to when i have nothing to keep me busy but homework that i’m not interested in. and family that is annoyed at me always. and you, that you’re out with your friends…but don’t think i’m upset for that or anything. you know i’m glad you have friends. if i had friends i’d spend time with them too.

i really hope you’re having fun and i really hope you call tonight and tell me all about your skating adventures. and i don’t want to bother you with my misfortunes. it’s just that, so often i feel lonely this way and so often i can’t do anything about it. there’s no one to call, there’s no one to talk to, and by the way things have been with josh lately, i don’t really want to get any closer with anyone but you.

i wish i had an escape from here. i hate it here. this place is only appealing when you’re here. you make it different, somehow. well anyway, that’s basically today.

but you know why i’m not upset? because remember how i told you i’d be with you no matter what…even if you hung out with friends a lot, or did other things that you wanted to do…no matter what…i told you, remember? well, i like keeping my promises to you. and it doesn’t matter what i feel right now. it will probably go away. i guess i miss you because all these days that you’ve been spending at my house have meant a lot and i’m so used to you now. having you away seems so strange. i’ll get used to it. =) i’m sure that will be okay…

i have homework to finish but i’m not in a hurry because i’m almost halfway done. it’s not due till monday anyway. i was thinking earlier about us. about how we’re already gonna be 1 year and 9 months long! i’m excited for that. i hope we get to spend that day together.

i wonder what things are gonna be like when you have to go to another school and me be homeschool. a little sad, huh? you’re gonna have a job and i might too…and wow…things won’t be the same. brian and kristina were right…this IS all very sudden, haha. i wish things were just like when we met. how we’d go to school to see each other and come back and then we’d go all over again, and even if we had a bad day there, it was alright cause we’d always tell each other all about it after school. i miss you. i don’t know exactly what to do after i stop writing, so that’s why i’m not stopping.

i keep thinking about me dying. i don’t know why. i know you mind it when i say that, but i’m serious. let this be a serious thing. i don’t know if it’s because in some ways and in some instances i want death, or if it’s because i’m paranoid. or maybe it’s because i hope i die before you do. who knows…i just have been. and when i cry this way i hope i do, so much. maybe i just want people to start loving me and stop taking me for granted so much. my parents will regret this when i’m gone. the way they disrespected me. you’re the only one that won’t regret it because you haven’t ever harmed me. you’ll be okay, in a way, to think that you did the most you could do to make me happy.
i love you and i miss you…
and i want to see you but now i can’t because i’m crying so badly.
i wish you could tell everyone to love me more, because they’d only listen to you, sweetie. i’m so sorry i’m this melancholy. i can be no other way right now. i need to sleep.
i love you,
greg,
from your very-weird-and-sad-girlfriend-and-best-friend,
brenda